Archives
Listening to music; looking through the archives of my writings over the past few years… I expected to see a pattern, reason, rhyme, or logic… there was none. My highs and lows were sporadic, unreasonable, rambling, and excessive. I suppose they still are.
One day I claimed to discover answers; the next day I proclaimed there were none. Strong then weak; angry only to become humbled; always searching. There was one consistency… believing that the answers (if they exist) would be found in my past… my home. For the most part I don’t believe this anymore.
Yes, I needed the reconnection to home to rediscover my true self… but that’s where it should’ve ended. I jumped head first into my past not wanting to let go… it was comforting. The woman that swore she had wasted more than enough of her life was again wasting her life. Reconnecting to my past has been a rewarding experience; it’s also been a painful one. Pain I could’ve done without if I had only loosened my grip long enough to look ahead. Examining the here and now would’ve been a good idea too. Isn’t it amazing the power a comfort zone can have over one’s life?
Today I have new questions to add to the existing ones… still no answers. I realize now that I make it too easy for people to walk in and out of my life. I’m beginning to have the courage to end this ridiculous cycle. It’s such a relief to let go of negative people… but at the same time letting go in any fashion is hard for me… it makes me feel as though I’m abandoning or betraying someone. The process has begun and is ongoing with the hardest ones yet to be released. It’s coming though; I can feel it… the feeling?… nausea with a touch of empowerment.
Archives… my past… in written word. This way it can’t be denied; forgotten; or sugar coated. I still find comfort in my River; am drawn to bridges; have yet to become like a deciduous tree; am directionally challenged; and don’t claim to be strong. I manage to get through the day… only to begin another.
What I want lies straight ahead; yet the road keeps winding. Some people love winding roads… the thrill… speed. Not me. Winding roads make me dizzy and my stomach churns. Funny thing… archives have the same effect on me.
Far Behind
Candlebox
One day I claimed to discover answers; the next day I proclaimed there were none. Strong then weak; angry only to become humbled; always searching. There was one consistency… believing that the answers (if they exist) would be found in my past… my home. For the most part I don’t believe this anymore.
Yes, I needed the reconnection to home to rediscover my true self… but that’s where it should’ve ended. I jumped head first into my past not wanting to let go… it was comforting. The woman that swore she had wasted more than enough of her life was again wasting her life. Reconnecting to my past has been a rewarding experience; it’s also been a painful one. Pain I could’ve done without if I had only loosened my grip long enough to look ahead. Examining the here and now would’ve been a good idea too. Isn’t it amazing the power a comfort zone can have over one’s life?
Today I have new questions to add to the existing ones… still no answers. I realize now that I make it too easy for people to walk in and out of my life. I’m beginning to have the courage to end this ridiculous cycle. It’s such a relief to let go of negative people… but at the same time letting go in any fashion is hard for me… it makes me feel as though I’m abandoning or betraying someone. The process has begun and is ongoing with the hardest ones yet to be released. It’s coming though; I can feel it… the feeling?… nausea with a touch of empowerment.
Archives… my past… in written word. This way it can’t be denied; forgotten; or sugar coated. I still find comfort in my River; am drawn to bridges; have yet to become like a deciduous tree; am directionally challenged; and don’t claim to be strong. I manage to get through the day… only to begin another.
What I want lies straight ahead; yet the road keeps winding. Some people love winding roads… the thrill… speed. Not me. Winding roads make me dizzy and my stomach churns. Funny thing… archives have the same effect on me.
Far Behind
Candlebox
posted by Gaye at 5:08 AM
2 Comments:
Some days we think we know the answers and other days we don't know the question.
And then some days we know the question and the answer until something makes us question that answer and we're right back to not knowing the question or the answer again. Whew!!!
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