You Don’t Know Me…

So many different sides to me; different angles; story lines in my everyday existence that never intersect. I feel as though I am several characters rolled into one. Some of these characters I kind of like; the others only complicate my life. Instead of eliminating the complications I seem to thrive on them. I’ve chosen to see these characters within me as complications for now with the potential for creating a better ME in the future. I could be completely wrong… it’s a definite possibility that I use this as an excuse in my ever twisting mind.

I don’t know me… maybe it’s the stage of my life I’m in… the situations that led up to my here and now… constantly having to deal with change on a grand scale. I don’t know??? So if you don’t know me and I don’t know me… who does? Does it matter? What if it does matter? Well, if it does matter I’m in a heap of trouble! Damn… I despise trouble… hope that’s not the scenario in store for this ole gal.

When I’m alone and all of these characters are forced to look at one another I realize that they have one thing in common. Their constant desire for me to learn to trust again. These characters want to be revealed to someone other than myself. Not just a few here and there to this person and then that person. But truly revealed so they can come together as one.

Keeping the characters in my mind separate is a defense mechanism I use to protect myself from deception. I KNOW deception well… it creates a bitterness in me that is self-defeating. To avoid deception; I tossed trust to the side. I trust no one; nothing. This feeling is equally self-defeating. In my mind the lesser of the two evils (upfront distrust vs. trusting then being deceived); I’ve chosen distrust.

Maybe some day all of me will come together as one… maybe not… maybe it doesn’t really matter after all.

Who Did You Think I Was--John Mayer (opening act for Sheryl Crow concert--YAY!)

Teenage "Logical" Concepts

Teenage confidence. We all had it. Remember?… If that particular memory is fading for you just hang out with a teenager for about 5 minutes and it will instantly be revived. They know EVERYTHING! Remember now?…

When I was a teenager I had all of the answers. I loved my parents dearly, but they were… stupid… (bless their hearts!). How could they possibly understand me? How could they have a clue about the issues I faced… peer pressure, education, sex, drugs? I mean after all, they weren’t people; they were parents.

With this, and other "logical" concepts implanted securely in my brain, I waltzed through my teenage years. Actually I tripped over my own feet and followed instead of leading most times, but that didn’t matter… I was a teenager; I knew EVERYTHING! As I tripped and stumbled I barely noticed; it was only when I fell on my face that I would entertain the notion of hmmmm… and that would last a brief moment because I knew EVERYTHING… I had teenage confidence.

It’s funny how confidence and the wonders of being naïve go hand in hand. I guess it’s a good thing that teenagers are consumed with confidence; believing that you are a bionic genius is much less disastrous than realizing you’re clueless…

Which brings me to the here and now… again I am waltzing through my life… tripping and stumbling… but this time WITHOUT teenage confidence. This time I notice every little misstep and fumble; question myself constantly. You know what? It sucks!

I want those "logical" concepts implanted in my brain again. I want to live in ignorant bliss. Teenage confidence… I think I could tweak it a little and make it work in my life now. And I thought I was sooo smart for ridding myself of it years ago… what a know-it-all!!!

Don't Stop Believing-- Journey