Those Ole Windows…

Windows. Three floor to ceiling windows. Side by side. Overlooking a peaceful pond; slightly unkept. A majestic tree on the bank strapped with a wooden slat swing that echoed with laughter from soaring.

Windows with a view of a crystal blue sky; marshmallow clouds; storms brewing; birds in flight; starry skies. I wonder what they were to the rest of the household?? Just windows… I don’t know.

For me it was the only place in the house where I was not alone; even if I was home alone. I visited these windows several times a day; on my knees—-always in awe of the endless sky. I talked and prayed and felt I was being listened to. I would always say, “If you hear me; just give me a sign.” A bird would fly over the pond and out of sight every time.

I laughed, cried, begged, cussed, asked why, and said thank you in front of those ole windows. I was weak and I was strong there. I found a picture of them the other day and realized how many pages of my life they were on. Page after page there was time I spent in front of them.

The house sold a few months ago and I went there for the last time. In the front door; straight up the stairs; and into the bedroom with those ole windows. I felt the tears begin to roll down my face as I gazed at the peaceful pond and majestic tree. My daughter asked why I was crying… “Because this is where I came everyday and prayed for us all.”

Now they belong to someone else; maybe they need them more than I did. In any case I hope they take the time to stop and gaze through the glass at what’s on the other side… beauty, tranquility, and a page in the book of their life.

When I Look To The Sky
Train

Chasing the Elusive

Chasing is in our nature… practiced at a very young age. Remember the childhood games of tag? The adrenaline flowing through your body as you ran from the chaser; the intense desire to tag a playmate in order to become one of the group again instead of the lone pursuer.

As we grow into adulthood the chase continues while the prey evolves with age. Sometimes we chase the tangible; other times the elusive. Chasing the tangible is acceptable and can easily be backed up by logic. When we capture our tangible prey there is instant gratification and reward. Jobs, homes, vehicles, partners, children…we can easily relive the chase and capture in our minds.

The elusive chase is different. It combines two childhood games… tag as well as hide and seek. Instead of running full speed ahead, the chase is cautious and unpredictable. The elusive has no logic to the masses; only to each individual chaser. Instant gratification and reward is replaced by skepticism.

There’s a difference between the illusive and the elusive. The illusive is a form of an illusion; something not real but has the ability to be seen if it’s the vision of choice in your mind. This is what I call a dream chaser. We all chase dreams… as we should. The elusive is very real; dodging, disappearing, out running us. Many times we are scorned for this chase.

As I grow older I realize the significance of chasing the elusive. Seeking dreams fulfills the wants in life; capturing the elusive fulfills the needs. The inability to articulate this chase or back it up with logic is irrelevant to me. For you see…I’ve felt it; seen it; touched it… only to blink and have it elude me again. The capture will be complete when wisdom guides me there and adrenaline is replaced with peace.

Dream On
Aerosmith

Closing And Opening

All of my life I have had my own ‘golden rule” I guess you could say. No one ever sat me down and said, “now Gaye, never close a door or bad things will happen. Or worse. It will make you a bad person”. Instead I took lessons on loyalty and unconditional love and applied them to doors opening and closing. In my mind it meant one thing and one thing only—-never close a door. It’s the equivalent to giving up; turning one’s back on a person or situation. I recently discovered the truth about doors.

Doors are meant to be opened and closed. Why else would they be mounted on hinges? I don’t determine IF a door is closed; only WHEN it is closed. If one has done all that they can do to improve a situation that remains sour; or is consistently hurt then it is time to close the door. No good is coming of either of those scenarios and won’t. For miserable people seek to make others miserable; and hurt people hurt people. You become part of their vicious cycle that goes nowhere; running in place in a sense.

Doors don’t have to be closed with stomping feet, loud voices, and a super-sized slamming that rocks the foundation. Instead they can be closed with compassion and wishes of all things good. Bitterness may continue to exist; but it doesn’t have to be yours. Of course there’s disappointment; especially if you put your heart and soul in it. But relationships of any type have to be nurtured by both parties.

To open a door requires reaching out; reaching towards the handle or knob. Moving forward to pass through its opening. No guarantees. Pass through carrying lessons learned never abandoning the concept of loyalty and unconditional love that is reciprocated.

There are so many open doors still ajar in my life. It’s time to close them; with quiet compassion. Reaching forward and knowing I did all I could possibly do. It is a shame though… don’t you think?

Open Your Eyes
Alter Bridge

Archives

Listening to music; looking through the archives of my writings over the past few years… I expected to see a pattern, reason, rhyme, or logic… there was none. My highs and lows were sporadic, unreasonable, rambling, and excessive. I suppose they still are.

One day I claimed to discover answers; the next day I proclaimed there were none. Strong then weak; angry only to become humbled; always searching. There was one consistency… believing that the answers (if they exist) would be found in my past… my home. For the most part I don’t believe this anymore.

Yes, I needed the reconnection to home to rediscover my true self… but that’s where it should’ve ended. I jumped head first into my past not wanting to let go… it was comforting. The woman that swore she had wasted more than enough of her life was again wasting her life. Reconnecting to my past has been a rewarding experience; it’s also been a painful one. Pain I could’ve done without if I had only loosened my grip long enough to look ahead. Examining the here and now would’ve been a good idea too. Isn’t it amazing the power a comfort zone can have over one’s life?

Today I have new questions to add to the existing ones… still no answers. I realize now that I make it too easy for people to walk in and out of my life. I’m beginning to have the courage to end this ridiculous cycle. It’s such a relief to let go of negative people… but at the same time letting go in any fashion is hard for me… it makes me feel as though I’m abandoning or betraying someone. The process has begun and is ongoing with the hardest ones yet to be released. It’s coming though; I can feel it… the feeling?… nausea with a touch of empowerment.

Archives… my past… in written word. This way it can’t be denied; forgotten; or sugar coated. I still find comfort in my River; am drawn to bridges; have yet to become like a deciduous tree; am directionally challenged; and don’t claim to be strong. I manage to get through the day… only to begin another.

What I want lies straight ahead; yet the road keeps winding. Some people love winding roads… the thrill… speed. Not me. Winding roads make me dizzy and my stomach churns. Funny thing… archives have the same effect on me.

Far Behind
Candlebox